Following on from that, while you might be adept at making others happy, drawing the line can be a struggle for you. This is especially true if you’ve grown up with a narcissistic mother. So, it’s no surprise that this behavior can carry into adulthood, turning you into someone who constantly seeks validation from others. Because pleasing such a parent often becomes a survival strategy for the child. By keeping the parent happy, the child hopes to avoid conflict and earn their approval.

How to Identify a Covert Narcissist

As a result, many turn to substance abuse to help them cope with their pain. They feel so utterly alone in their suffering that going numb or blissing out through artificial means is one of the only ways they can keep going. This may be compounded by the parent’s criticism and projections toward them. Don’t spend time with them unless you absolutely have to, and if you are obligated to do so, go “gray rock.” Give them no emotional fuel and behave as though nothing they say or do affects you in any way.

Substance abuse and/or self-harm.

This is because those whose narcissistic traits are turned inward rather than outward tend to repress and hide their tendencies. They may be excruciatingly sensitive and introverted, and they are often crippled by insecurity and low self-esteem. If you notice covert narcissistic tendencies in yourself, this self-awareness is a huge step in the right direction! Here are some steps to heal your inner wounds and mend your relationships with people close to you. When you first meet a narcissist, they can be incredibly charming. They may even “love bomb” you with excessive praise and admiration.

General Health

• A key feature of covert narcissism is that there are often discrepancies between how they present themselves in public and how they present in private (Carter, 2022).
• Sometimes people who suffer from covert narcissism have no idea that there is something wrong their behavior.
• But they’re sensitive to criticism and tend to lack empathy, so they may struggle to form healthy…
• Because of their contorted ways of thinking, a covert narcissistic personality can be extremely difficult to deal with.
• She also prepares other counselors for the evolving health care industry in regards to legal and ethical issues, integrated care and changes to practice through technological advances.
• Calling out covert narcissism can be difficult, but it starts with being mindful of behavioral patterns and paying attention to that gut feeling you have when something feels a little off.

This may refer to emotional, physical, psychological, or neglectful forms of abuse. Science of People offers over 1000+ articles on people skills and nonverbal behavior. However, you can plant the idea in their mind and hope they pursue it.

Those who were abandoned or abused as children learned early that their voices didn’t really matter, or that yelling would earn them a punishment, so they learned to get their way via subterfuge instead. Like other cluster-B personality disorders, NPD has various causes—which we will get into later—but they mostly involve trauma during a person’s early development. This trauma changed them on a fundamental level and caused them to develop behaviors that might have never manifested if they’d been raised in different circumstances. For example, Lee Hammock (a mental health advocate and diagnosed Narcissist on TikTok) has shared narcissism and alcoholism that he experienced a lack of empathy from a young age. Instead of feeling bad for his classmate or trying to help him, Hammock reports feeling annoyed that the other kid’s injury would stop their recess.

Is There a Covert Narcissist in Your Life? 18 Things Therapists Need You to Know

As narcissists do not like to lose, they often resist letting someone leave them. They may promise to change their ways or attempt to guilt people into staying with them. The empath may even believe they may be able to change the narcissist or save them. Because of this, they may be more likely to be in long-term relationships with a narcissist. Often, narcissists want to target people who have high levels of empathy.

Covert Narcissism Checklist

• This may be related, in part, to the fact that modern culture places a high value on women’s physical appearance.
• If the narcissist does not realize their behaviors are causing problems, they will be less motivated to seek help.
• Maybe your loved one emotionally withdraws when you offer the slightest criticism.

It’s difficult to say exactly why people with NPD develop covert, rather than overt, traits. However, some research does suggest that NPD is more heritable than various other mental health conditions. Many people with covert NPD may have a parent who displays similar traits. While covert narcissism is usually found in people who are introverted, those with overt NPD (also known as grandiose or agentic narcissism) tend to be extroverts. An individual with covert narcissism has an exaggerated sense of self-importance that may make them behave in arrogant and showy ways.

They’re unable to build meaningful relationships.

Trust your instincts, set boundaries, seek support, and prioritize self-care. By monitoring communication and staying independent, you can navigate this complex dynamic. Remember, it’s crucial to be prepared to walk away from toxic relationships and practice patience throughout the process. Stay true to yourself and prioritize your well-being above all else.

Signs of a covert narcissist:

• People with overt narcissism are typically extroverted, bold, and attention-seeking.
• Communicate this as clearly as you can and cite an example of their behavior if necessary.
• They still qualify for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), particularly feeling special and wanting admiration (perhaps secretly), lacking empathy, and feeling entitled.
• It’s also common for someone with covert narcissism to blame others for their own mistakes and shortcomings.
• Yet, despite the fact that they may appear to genuinely care for others, they’re motivated by a need for recognition, power over others, or egoistic pride.

For instance, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder all may co-occur with covert narcissism. However, other research does not support the relationship between childhood abuse or trauma and the development of covert narcissism. People with covert narcissism may also avoid social situations or relationships that lack clear benefits. Leaving an abusive relationship or ending a friendship with a covert narcissist may not be easy. Perhaps you love and care about them but now recognize that their behavior is harmful to your own health and well-being.